Wednesday, June 20, 2007

So it's an intersting title, what can I say, it's how I felt at the time. Sometimes I look up and see where I am and think "ARGH, get all of these people away from me!!" I miss the wide open spaces, the clear night skies and the silence of the outback. I grew up on a station, and definately wonder why I am here doing what I am doing!

I work too damn hard. Fact. I travel a lot for work. Fact. I'd rather be out with friends. Fact. Or at home doing bugger all. Fact. But still I find myself working my arse off!

I'm a dog person, but am away too much to have one. I'm a country girl lost, I'm missing it more than I thought I would. I work in a very sexual social position, so sometimes NOT going out is nice When I do get some time at home watching , Jenna Haze in her adult films , shes so hot for a girl and good at her job ,shes like my idol , I love cooking gourmet meals for my mates and spending some quality time with the couch!!! I do love getting out on the town and drinking/dancing the house down, but time (and energy for this) happens rarely.

I appear to others as fairly out going, but am pretty shy in general and especially when it comes to emotions of the heart

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Metaphorically, not literally

Dirty, rotten, lying scoundrel of a disease
Last night I heard two people share about going out and drinking. The first, with five years of sobriety, had gone to Las Vegas. While gambling, he ordered some juice from a cocktail waitress. When he got it, he could smell that it contained vodka. He took two sips anyway. Two "big" sips, he said. Then he complained to the waitress, who apologized. He said he wasn't sure whether he still had five years or had to start over. Last night was his first meeting in quite a while. Surprise, surprise! He had gotten out of the habit of going to meetings because he no longer felt the urge to drink. He decided to come to a meeting last night because, ever since his experience in Las Vegas, he was being consumed with the desire to drink. It was obvious from the way he said these things that, deep down, he knew full well that he should start over.

I wanted to share something that would help this guy get some clarity. But I couldn't figure out what to say. The truth is that I was feeling very smug and quite superior and I knew that whatever I tried to say while feeling this way was bound to be unhelpful. On the break, I learned that another of my friends was also biting his tongue. Eventually I decided I would go up to him after the meeting and tell him that it seemed to me he already knew the answer to his question. I stayed away from commenting on his experience when I did share.

Later in the meeting a woman who had been coming up on 30 days admitted that she had drunk too, on Monday night. But, she said, she hadn't had any desire, urge or compulsion to drink; she was just curious to see what it would be like. Before doing it, she thought about it. She thought about the phone numbers in her purse. She knew what she was about to do. She went into a bar anyway and ordered a glass of wine. She drank it and ordered another. She drank that one and ordered another. As she started on this third drink, she realized she wasn't enjoying it and still didn't have any desire, urge or compulsion to drink. So she pushed the drink away, paid her bill and left. She knew she was starting over and now had two days.

At the very end of the meeting a man shared very simply about his own powerlessness, about how easily he could have been the one to pick up a drink. He shared about the habits he had gotten into that he hoped would make it very hard for him to pick up a drink, but still acknowledged that he is by no means cured or immune. He referred directly to the previous sharing by both people who had picked up. It was beautiful: very, very well said. He spoke about himself, but addressed the issues that begged to be addressed. Damn! I wish I'd thought of doing it that way.

People, this is the insanity of alcohol! One goes out and drinks and isn't sure if he's still got five years of sobriety. Another goes out and drinks out of mere curiosity, not because she has any desire to drink.

What lies alcohol tells us!

Sunday, May 14, 2006

My bright orange organizer compliments from the company is all scribbled out on major travel plans.

I recently attended a briefing on The Organization's business code of ethics with all members of the department. Scheduling personal to-do lists such as those abovementioned was not spelt out among the guidelines but we were lightly advised not to do so during work hours.

Like who gives a rat's hoot, yeah?

I can't be blamed. The wallet-stroking travel fairs are a-coming. For the time being I must get used to pitching tents and practice rushing through crowds on mini-buses to brave the swarm of cheapskates at airfare counters in the near future.

I was all hyped out about going to Europe this Autumn that I almost forgot about Abednego's May graduation until I saw The Star newspaper's highlight on the one-foot thick snow in Tribeca, New York. I also overlooked the U.S. visa I was supposed to get done six months ago. And confirmation on the travel itinerary she proposed. And that sickening thought of informing my superior(s) of my absence for both trans-Atlantic trips.

Newark or JFK? Rented car or train? Troy or NYC? 13th or 20th? One week or two?


It's good to know that I am not the only poor, absent-minded geezer around. Last Raya Haji, a sociable ancient primate visited the family. My brother-in-law's nephew, Potato Dickhead is an obnoxious, insensitive jerk who once dissed a good friend of mine and studied in the same uni as Abednego who somehow hung out very frequently with he who calls us his Aunties and tried to hit on me once while also thinking in spite of all that podgy lard 5' 2" men have a fair chance of courting women like Elizabeth Jagger for instance.

Why, oh why does Bebop suspect that I have a crush on him?

Maybe he might have quite a few shots considering that he works at an automotive F1 racing gear assembly plant in Zurich and earns RM 18k every month to make up for his loss of height and tact.

With all due respect, I tried to look at him with a straight face when he greeted our family members with his `metrosexual' ab-tight flowery shirt stretching off his potbelly and so-called `chic' Sonic the Hedgehog do'. Unfortunately I must have rudely let a few guffaws escape that he turned around and saw me.

When he approached to strike up a very macho and Joey-how you doin'? (left eyebrow cocked) conversation, I attempted to flee. Somehow his booming, authoritative bapak orang-like hey-you-orang-kampung-I'm-a-smart-man-working-in-a-foreign-land-know-it-all voice had me trapped. I flinched against a wall, vainly hoping Y tu Mama could come menyibuk kecoh and intervene for my chance to escape.

"Nice house your parents have here, I didn't know you guys had a lawn."
"You've been here four times." I forced a wry smile.
" Oh," his face blank. Tries to change topic. "So, who's studying in Rensselaer ?"
" Excuse me?" Frowns in disbelief.
" I saw my old uni's sticker on your father's car. Who's studying at RPI?"
" sister?" Frown turns to are you stupid or something look.
" Really? You have a sister studying at RPI?" He gets very excited.
" Memang la ada. You know her very well apa - Abed?" Furiously looking for signs of mental instability.
" Abed who?"
" Abednego binti Pops? Ring any bells?"
" Which Abednego?" He asks again in his pitchy voice.
" How could you not remember??"
" Yang mana aaa?"
" Abednego lah, for God's sakes! Bongok ke ape?" Blood boils.
" Abednego?".
" Arghhh!! Abednego ,your aunt, my sister, Hitler's sister, went to same uni with you, same neighbourhood, same county, same state but lives here??"
" Oooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. The one that looks like you. Yeah, now I remember."

Must have been all the sauerkraut he's been eating.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

The Counter of the Knowledge

One has just given me an excellent bond ! The Counter of the Knowledge.
is generally a team of Lyons librarians which answers, in 72H, with your questions, all your questions !

Thus would like to know for what are used hairs one has on the body, how one manufactures a pencil-mine, why the cats sleep as much, how it is made that many people are irritable after the full moon, why my kleenex white becomes pink lorsthey are exposed to the sun…

You have, you also, certainly a crowd of questions to pose. Then hesitate more !

Sometimes, one crosses people impressing in the life. Everyone is impressing, but some more than D’different, it is necessary L welto acknowledge.

thus crossed Daphné, singer and guitarist. She became Daphné K, Daphné Kaye in London, Lou K in Paris. I am never really given from there – my bodyguard either, since the last concert.

Doesn't its name say anything to you ? Will know all the same it was number 2 in Japan during months, it recorded a disc with Nick Cave and with Marc Almond (yes yes, is well ex-singer of Cell Software), it even left to make a round in China !

And we are a horde of wild fans who try not to miss any concert.

Its new formation calls Étienne and me Étienne, is its guitarist.

You can listen to five their titles here : étienneetmoi.

But especially, if you see them announced close of on your premise, do not miss the concert !

(Small note: I had several requests. If thus super CD collector of 5 titles to five euros interests you, do not hesitate to contact me, I will say to you how to obtain it. One finds it at the end in the concerts, but for those which do not live Paris, it is not very practical. Thus do not hesitate especially to make me sign. Thank you).

Sometimes, is owl the life very short !

Saturday, April 01, 2006

The day when I knew it
For some, is an obviousness of always, for different, it emerged brutally to the turning a relation which was not appropriate to them.

sexual identity does not impose like a revelation. homosexual does not awake a morning, convinced to have found its way. In fact rather indices strew its childhood and its adolescence : attraction for a professor, a friend of the family of the same sex, a comrade of class, a public character, etc. And at this age, it is difficult S’to explain these agitations, these feelings. The whole made even more difficult by the fact that homosexuality is still a subject taboo, especially with the centre even of the family for which it is much easier to accept the situation when the problem is in the neighbor at with dimensions.

All the famous debate is known : " is one born or becomes one homo ? ". homosexuality is not a business of taste or appearance. There is a great difference between the knowledge and to feel it. In what relates to me, I knew at the end of my adolescence. The first emotions, most violent were in this direction. Then comes the period from the handing-over in question : what am I ? normal or not ? what will think my close relations, my friends of them ?

The last experiments that had with girls made it possible to understand that I travelled false. is there that one smells it physically ! It was necessary for me from now on to have the force necessary to choose object of my desire and to assume.

Had 20 years when flirted with a boy and is at 22 years that I fell in love for the first time. And I still remember the least details as if were yesterday. So much from things return to me at the head, his huge black cock, his strong arms, which I can only include/understand why I liked and why my feelings towards him are always there. Then while weighing for and it against, I think that that is worth largely the sorrow to endure the glances which still our company carries to benefit and live fully from moments like these.

To return from there on the subject which interests us here, I would say that the moment when understood that were gay was like a certainty without return, that that formed part of me, of my life. And this certainty so present made place with an indescribable disorder at the same time. The questions returned with even more weight and from force. idea to belong to a world which does not include/understand you completely, disveryses announces, the glance of the others. For my part, had the chance being confronted with a mother who, once the pain of announces last, decided to pass in addition to and to accept my sexual orientation.

Now I do not hide any more, fully assumes my sexuality and my relations with the guys. In different terms, I live !

Monday, March 06, 2006

Well, I actually have some big news. Unlike most other college kids... who am I kidding?, okay... unlike the college kids portrayed on TV, I usually sit around doing homework in the freezing cold over spring break. I have never hit up the beaches of Daytona, nor did I party away at a resort in Cancun. However, on March 4th, "I'm shipping up to Boston" (to find my wooden leg! - Dropkick Murphys, duh) so I can hang out 'where everybody knows [my] name" at the Cheers bar and countess other attractions. Newman is taking the History club and there were some open seats. We'll be staying for 6 days and 5 nights, and get this... it is only gonna cost me $140 to go. You just can't beat that. Sure there'll be food expenses and other misc. things, but I just couldn't pass up the opportunity. So, here's to Boston! (and the rest of Massachusetts). Besides hitting up the famous TV bar, we'll be going on a ghost trail, the freedom trail, the Big Dig, seeing where all the tea was dumped, and... heck, you get the point. Maybe I'll put up a cool list of it all later. Other than the Boston thing, I'm doing laundry. It is long overdue... I used 6 washing machines and 3 dryers at the Laundromat, once I get all that done, I should get started on some homework. Anyone else have any exciting news?

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Life's full of brief interactions with complete strangers. We don?t tend to think of these chance meetings as relationships, but they require all the social skills that more important relationships do. Sometimes they require more, because while we don?t often think of them as relationships, we do often think of them as irritating, infuriating, and annoying beyond belief. Why must this conspiracy of strangers exist, and why are they out to make life miserable?Case in point. You?re driving home and some fool cuts you off in traffic, blaring his horn at you as he does so. It?s hard to think of this as a social event, but you have just interacted with another human being . . . At least, you?re presuming he was human. Then again, the way he drives . . .It?s a little event like this that can completely spoil your day. You stew on it for hours, long after the jerk who cut you off even remembers doing so. One little incident Figuring It OutIn PassingWhat do I do about difficult people I may never see again? Short Term RelationshipsHow much should I invest in a relationship that?s bound to end? Not My ChoiceWhat about relationships that will never end?Those I ChoseEven great relationships spawn some unwanted obligations.has left you feeling frayed and angry for hours. It happens to quite a few of us. How do we combat it?Well, for starters, it?s an isolated incident. Try to remind yourself that, yes, he was a jerk, and being a jerk, would probably be the kind of low-browed knuckle-dragger who?d enjoy knowing he?s ticked off a complete stranger. Don?t give him the satisfaction! Having trouble taking a deep breath when conflicts pop up? Learning effective problem- solving skills can reduce and even prevent depression, something no medication can ever do. Read Hand-Me-Down-Blues by Dr. Michael Yapko, reknowned psychotherapist.That?ll teach him! Take the energy from that anger and redirect it.Another, gentler option, although often quite difficult, is to try and see things from his point of view. Why would he be driving like a maniac? Because he?s an inconsiderate madman who?s seen Mad Max too many times? . . . Oops. I told you this was difficult! Or did he have a reason for his actions? Is he rushing to a hospital? Trying to reach his fianc?efore she steps out of his life forever? Most likely no, he?s just a jerk. But by entertaining the possibilities, you can see reasons that could explain why he might be in such a hurry.